Ever Wonder?

Let me start off by saying I am so sorry for not updating in a while. Hell I don't even know if anyone is reading but still, sorry. Anyway, what's new? Well...I saw Alice in Wonderland 3D. Uhm...found my mother a new house, and I'm moving back in with her so she doesn't have to pay for a babysitter -help anyway I can-. Packing my shit was more of a bitch than I ever thought it would be...I dyed my hair back to the natural roots, blonde. Although...were it was dyed black kinda only turned brownish, while the rest is some what of a bleach color. Urgh, oh well I'll just buzz it back to my mohawk and start all over agian.

Anyway, purpose of the title. On the flip side!!

You ever wonder what's really going to happen in the future? Of course you do! Your human right? Will the world end from 'Global Warming', Aleins taking over the human race, or hell maybe we'll be the own reason for our extinction. I only ask because a friend of mine got into a huge theorey about how 2012 was complete bullshit because the Myans only stopped making the calender then because it was supposed to be the returning of the Sun God or something. I don't really know, someone want to help me understand better than that dumbass could?

The boy to the left is Matt, as the boy to the right is Josiah. I think I mentioned Josiah before...anyway I just hung out with Josiah yesterday. It was really fun, we watched movies and checked the anime network on Fios to see if there was an anime better than Dragon Ball. Aha. Yeah, I'm a loser, but it's okay cause I'm adorkable -as my closest friend Ali puts it-. Anyway, I just got a shit ton of new lavender soaps, shampoo's, contitioners and lotions. And the smell lasts on me longer than the usual three hours. But now, I radiate happiness. I have also noticed that recently I'm not as stressed though, the only problem is, is that now I have horrible joint pains in my hips, lower back and shoulders. But that could just be from sleeping on the couch at my mothers house and my lack of usual sleep.
I'm looking to go out and buy this movie called Zombie Land. If you haven't seen it and you love zombie movies as much as I do, go get it! It's fucking hilarious, I promise you that.

So I went shopping today with my Mother and Grandmother (didn't want to go alone). I bought some new shorts and shirts for the spring season coming up and tomarrow I'm going to be paying a visit to my friend Josiah. Other than that, I have spent the day watching boomberang.
...And that's my day.

Love.

Yup, that's me and my Ex Mark. That was one of the times we broke up...a few months after we did I stopped talking to him, even though we both wanted to still be friends. But none-the-less around tweleve at night I got a text from him saying he needed to talk to me. For two hours I tried to convince him to just text it to me or call, but he insisted it be in person despite my want to not see him. So what happened you ask? He showed up at my house three in the morning and we talked, which led to him crying and asking me to come back to him. For a few days we talked, and then wound up going back out. The day he asked me back out we were sitting on my pourch and right before we went in for our first kiss in a long time, my sister came out and snapped a picture.
Why do i bring this up? Cause I just had a dream about him. I took a nap while my little sister slept, cause I actually was tired. I woke up to her screaming, from this wild dream. Mark was the only one I regognized -or remember was even in the dream- and he was like a little puppy. At first he started out distant and un-caring, and then slowly eased his way back into constantly telling me how beautiful and how much he loved me like he used to do -a long time ago none-the-less-. He always had a smile on his face, granted it looked fake, it was still a smile. I don't really remember what we did, other than stealing cars and then making them beautiful just to have our two friends come over and leave state with us.
But anyway, my dreams are getting freakier and freakier. I seem to be better when I'm awake, but now it's starting to take a toll on my dreams -that, need I tell you I cherish very. Very. very, much- Maybe I should put on the baby lavender bedtime lotion my mother uses on the youngest, Faith.
Anyway, Faith keeps putting baby dolls in my lap so I'm going to go play a bit with her before I take Paige to school.
Keep on Shining Until tomorrow,
-Essa.
P.s. Oh, by the way, This is Matt, A.k.a., My little Matfrid. Mark is to the left, him to the right. This is them at their grandfathers funeral. They only wore their suits when they showed up, but their granddad left them his hats, so they wore it for him. I miss him....both of em actually.

Lavender.

So I started using Lavender lotions and shampoo's to hopefully try and relax myself. But at the same time I read that avoiding stuff like coffee and soda is also good for helping relax the nerves and mind. So back to green or peach tea it is. It also said something about taking Omega 3 pills will help too. Do any of you know anything that might help? Doctors told me I had anxiety, but then told me they didn't know what it was after the medicine they put me on didn't help but simply made things worse. I was shocked I even agreed to take the pills. I hate taking medicines. I would much rather smell the fresh air surrounding an oak tree to rid of a headache rather than take a tylenol. But I just wanted to stop feeling so bad all the time.
My Father showed up at my mothers house last night to visit her. I was in the middle of painting on a canvas to relieve anger, and he came in to see how my mother was doing. The kids were already asleep so I had time to go outside and have a conversation with him. It was awkward, but definatly much awaited. The day had started as shit. The paper my mother tried to get pressed against my step father was denied because we had no proof of his physical abuse. So despite the fact he has left bruises and marks on me in my many itmes of visiting my mothers house, the worse we can do is get a restrainging order for just me. So here she is, fresh out of surgery and incapible of lifting anything above five pounds, vaunerable to this fucking crack head they won't kick out of our house so she can move without him throwing a hissy fit and killing everyone. At least I'm here for a month, but I'm sure that won't do much. My strengths only get me so far, and his crazed drugged mind just might get him further...

Urgh

I had this dream a while back, but I never really got around to telling too many people.




It started out with me and my father racing motercycles on this resort island you could only get to by boat. When we finished our race we went to the main entrance of the resort, which was about a mile up from the shore. The waves were huge crashing down on the sand, coming up at heights almost higher than the building. I feel a hand on my shoulder to turn and see the owner of the resort smiling down at me as he says, "Don't worry, the waves never get big enough to even leave drops anywhere on the resort", and walked away. Turning my head back to the window a wave bigger than all the buildings put together came up and then crashed down, splashing small droplets of water on the window in front of my face. Freaking out, I ran to the back yard of the resort which held huge swimming pools, so big they held water ski's and boats and stuff. Next thing I know I'm tied to a boat and I'm about to go water ski'ing, my sister is in the water with me as she grabs my water mask and draggs me through the water. Lunging off of her I go black. The next thing I know I'm on the deck to get out of the pool with my back to the ocean as I faced the pool. suddenly I am splashed with water from behind, and I licked my lips to get it off my face. But the water was coppery, so I spit it back in my hand and as I looked at it someone screamed, "It's blood!" I turned to see my hand, and the deck was covered in blood. Looking to the sea bhind the resort main entrance I saw the boat that brought in the new comers. the stream of water behind it was soaked in blood and there were severed body parts floating in the ocean. I ran down the deck steps, feeling naucious as Mark came and held me up, screaming for me to tell him what was wrong. I pointed to the boat and he dropped me, running up the steps and grabbing the railing and screamed matt's name as he leaned forward, crying.

Alright, to explain the people in this dream I had. My father, left when I was eight. I rarely see him, and it's even rarer to talk to him on the phone. My sister and I just about hate each other, and It breaks my heart. Mark, is my Ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years and Matt was his cousin. Matt died 06-06-09. Freaky eh? Well I had this dream the night of his birthday, 12-12-09. I couldn't really tell anyone, I wanted to tell Mark because we were dating at the time, but it seemed like he may have not wanted to hear that with his death still being fresh in his mind. What I dont understand is that I knew Matt for three years, hung out with him a lot with Mark. But with my childhood friend, Max, who died, I never once had a dream or anything. But the reason I write this now, and this late, is because I had the dream again, though it ended differently.
Something to do with a murderer on the island and everyone had to go on a secret base below ground, which made most poeople drown.
The redundant thing is that Matt drowned. Matt was on a boat with my cousin by marriage Chris, their friend and chris' uncle and other cousin. Shit went down and Matt and the friend died. I only say shit went down is because I don't believe what Chris told us happened is true, seeing that it changes every time he tells the story. Not to mention the other boys body was found blue, as Matt's was found gray with bruises.
Fucked up shit. I can't sleep.
Someone save me.
Keep on shining until tomarrow.

It feels so amazing to be typing and not texting.

I just applied for a new cellphone plan (Very MLIA). And I swear, since I have turned the thing on I have yet to not recieve a phone call or text message every five minutes. I should have never gave the number to anyone that wasn't direly important to me. Oh well, what's done is done.
On the flip side, my mother is out of surgery and has come home in hopes for a full recovery....in four to six weeks. So here I am, at her house instead of my apartment, helping her take care of my two younger siblings and keeping the house cleaned and well fed. I feel like a house mom, and I don't like it. I mean I love children, but I hate being caught up in a house, it's not even the work that bothers me. I just feel lazy. But yesterday was amazing. I went with my grandmother to pick up my cousin from college, which is in the city. I find Baltimore city to be beautiful, yet ugly at the same time. I found myself sticking my arms out of the windows and taking pictures of everything that I found intresting. It made my cousin and Grandmother smile from how excited I was getting just by a car ride in the city. I wish you could have seen it, I was literally jumping in my seat with the biggest smile on my face. Made me feel like a kid again, ah, the guilty pleasures.
I have finished reading these two books, one a single serious and the other has a sequel I'm reading right now. The single series is called "Seduced by Magic," an amazing book of a witch who uses not dark or light, but gray magic. There were too many hard core vivid sex scenes to keep my comfort zone, but it was still an amazing book. The other mulit-series book is called "This witch for hire" wich is actually two books in one, as is the sequal, "For a few demons more." All three books were recomended by my good friend Amanda, and all of the books have caught my attention so well.
Anyway, I find myself having major headaches lately, and can't find a sence of peace in myself. I have no idea what's wrong. I don't know if it's the atmosphere in the house or my mind warning me of something. My father told me to start using Lavender soaps and purfumes to help relax myself. Guess I'll have to try it out. Better than spending millions more for someone to sit in a chair across the room from me and tell me I', clinically insane for not sleeping in three days straight, or always waking up in the middle of the night for no reason.
I can't really remember if I haven't up-dated you fully, It's been so long since I've posted fluently because I have not had access to the computer and don't feel like running my bill up on my cell to use the internet on it. So if I told you about something, but never finished it, please, do ask.
Keep on shinging until tomarrow.
-Essa

I,m texting this, please excuse the typo's

Still not sleeping well. My mother came down and we went to Target. It was supposed to be hang out time, like going to dinner or something, but she needed a few things and i went with her.
God I don't even know why i write this to you all. my life is average and i can assure you im not as smart as i sound. my big words are all i actually have, making them almost empty. i guess its for myself. i find it easier to type than write, and im getting quite tired of filling books and loosing them somewhere, or someone stealing it. hah, irony. now im savibg them the trouble of reading it to everypne by making this acess to everyone. but to those following me, thanks. i actually feel a tad bit special. expecially since its not too much followers, in which case i would debate on postibg anymore.
my roommate, jess, who is having a baby, celebrated her birthday sunday. we got icecream cake, balloons
i really hope this posts. her phone is being retarded on letting me comment back to you, twocent. but i promise when access to a computer comes aslong i will explain the poem. but right now my fingers are starting to hurt, so here i cut you off with not even a quarter of an update.
keep on shining until tomarrow1.

Another Post That's Not in the Morning.

Yeah, I know, I just posted something this morning.
I can't really remember how late...early it was. All I do remember is that I haven't been to sleep, at all. Right before my Mother got me from my apartment to stay the night at her house, helping with the kids and some eye-doctors apointment, I had awoke from a nap that lasted maybe four to five hours. She got me around six, and I haven't slept since. It is now ten twenty six in the morning and I am awaiting for tweleve to strike the clock so I can get my new contacts and go back home.
Since I moved out I don't really feel welcome here anymore. My older sister, who still lives there but hopefully not for long, has already pushed my bed and dresser -which is all I left, and it contains a few outfits for whe I visit- into a corner of the room and threw all her shit on the floor where my space used to be. Other than that, just coming home...I mean to my Mother's house in general is odd, yet still the same.
My Step Father still works till about six and comes home to sit in the shed until God knows what time at night smoking crack or whatever else he can fit up his nose or inhale easily. And we just can't forget how many beer bottles find their way to the base of our tree's. My Mother is still in pain, as usual. With her bad neck, that she is getting surgery on soon, and still taking care of a four year old, a one year old and my mentally insane brother who is tweleve? I think. I'm not trying to be mean when I call him metally insane, that's just what his phychitryst (Excuse my spelling) told us. Other than that, nothing is different.
Other than the fact that I finally found a voice.
Say Goodnight to the Sun and the clouds,
Keep on Shining Until Tomarrow,
-Essa

I'm Listening to the Rain and it Sounds a lot Like You.

Loud, but misunderstood.
Scary, but pleasant.
You've got your closest friends.
Thunder and Lightning.
But all they do is make you seem worse and worse with each storm.


Though I admit,
Sometimes it makes you more plesant to listen to,
Sometimes I can bare it,
But sometimes it makes me want to hide under my covers
To close my eyes
Until your gone.
Make sure you take them with you as well.

Just as I love the rainstorm,
I love you.
But what do you do
When the rainstorm is getting harder and harder
And the lightning gets brighter and brighter
Followed by the thunder getting louder and louder.
Does it not become to much to bare?
Does it not,
Make the voices in my head start screaming at me?

Well, they all do
And as usual
I am left with a headache
And a decision.
What's it going to be this time Essa?
Will you show the world you can tame the Lion?
Show the sky you can tame the clouds?
Prove to the streets you can change a whore?
Or run away from it all,
And go hide under your bedsheets again.

I was told to wait,
Be patient.
But not only have I been patient for a while,
But I am aslo im-patient.
Expecially when nothing is changing
But the screaming gets louder,
The arguments are more constant,
And words begin to mean nothing.
Soon enough the actions will mean nothing too,
And then what are we to do?

Come on children gather around,
We'll hide under the blankets together.

I'll never be famous.

I hope I never do become famous like that girl Julie from Julie/Julia. Sure, a few readers on Google can't hurt me. But for the love of me, don't tell your friends about me. I can be your little secret, but hopefully not the one you have to hide in a small black box under your bed so no one will notice how much of a fucking weirdo you are.
I don't want this blog to be all about me though. If your reading something, that you find similiar to yourself please tell me about it! I would love to hear your stories and how you went about them. I hope to not only entertain my readers, but know them as well. I can assure you that if you have posted a comment or are currently following me, I have seen your blog at least once, and not just as a pity look. I promise.
Anywho, how's about I tell you a tad bit of myself so maybe you can get an idea of what kind of girl who's shit your going to be reading for however long you plan to read for, if you have even made it to this point.
Some of my posts will be in poem formation, I can assure you that.
I love to write, and I hope that some day I become a poet, or a book author. That's one thing I would not mind being as famous as Steven King for. My lifetime goal although has nothing to do with a paying occupation -though oddly enough it can be turned into one-. It's to be a Mom. I don't care if the story starts out with, "I found the love of my life and years later we had our first love baby," or "Well one night I drank too much Jack Daniels for my own good and wound up with Jude here," It's still my dream.
To get to that dream, I have to get through so much more of my life first. A Husband/Fiance/Boyfriend is definitly not needed in the mix, but if it happens I guess it happens. Hell it might even make my plans a tad bit easier -and happier-.
I want to be on good terms with everyone. That does not mean that I want to be everyones friend, or I'm trying to be the most popular person alive. Simply I want no drama, no hatrerid and no bad vibes! This is all happiness here people, and I love it -Just because our lives are shit doesn't mean our moods have to be, right?-
Anyway, I feel like I'm boring you. I have music playing on my XBox and I think I'm going to continue playing Borderlands before my insomniac ass want's to go to bed. (Ew, gross. I just scratched open one ofthe cuts on my face and got blood in the water I was drinking. But hey, It's my own blood right?)
Would tell you how my day went because it wasn't intresting. So I'm going to let you go here, with a warning.

I won't be able to post often, I don't have too much access to the internet, if I even remember how to get to this website. And some days, I might bore the shit out of you. But in others, I could be the most entertaining thing you have. But remember my rule! Don't tell anyone about me! I don't want to be famous and I'm serious. I guess you can kind of call it a fear.

Keep on Shining until tomarrow,
Say goodnight to the Moon and Stars,
-Essa